To reality and beyond ... 9 'Toy's Story

You may not think so but it’s been a busy kind of week for me and blogging. I know, I know, I can see you looking around my blog to see where all this hard work is being hidden (well apart from 80 words for SAHD's new linky!) Has Fingers created a new secret tab or section somewhere that contains some new work, or is it indeed cunningly hidden behind that piece of cake on the table next to you? So no you’re not mistaken, nothing new to see here... no all this hard work has been for others, my blogging journey has seen me writing verses in the theme of a wandering minstrel about cake and Buffy and a bit of ghost writing

So with all that done, my thoughts turned to me and what I should write about next, I was tired and uninspired and lacking in any real ideas. As I sat messing on my laptop, the 6^th finger also sat flicking through the dirge of television to find something to keep her occupied. She flicked endlessly from channel to channel, reality show to soap and back to reality shows (god I hate soaps and reality show). It was at that point I drifted slowly to a virtual world somewhere else... at least I think it was virtual...

As my eyes focused again I saw the strangest of sights on the TV... I rubbed them again but it was still there, it was true..... I found myself watching, Celebri-toy Big Brother!!

Picture the scene .... the opening shot pans across Cambelwick Green Locks and onto the newly updated Lego house, home of the Big Brother Toy House, crowds of small toys gather out front and the voiceover man utters those somehow famous words 

The CTBB House

‘Good evening and welcome to Celebri-toy Big Brother ... as nine toys enter the house all competing to win this years star prize!  This year the top toy will win the opportunity of a lifetime to re-launch their flagging career with Disney & Pixar creating the very latest 3D film featuring the CTBB winner. With the film due for an October 2012 release date, merchandising and sponsorship deals are sure to be bountiful and the winner could easily become ‘Christmas Toy ‘ of the year for 2012. ! For the lucky toy,winning CTBB will not only change their life, it could actually ‘save’ their life (from being stuck in the loft, or the indignity of being sold at a local car boot)! So come with me and let’s meet the toys competing this year as they arrive at the house’ 

Cue.. matchbox limosines pulling up and a stream of toy contestents making there way to the door of the house...

(Sheriff) Woody Pride - First into the house is Woody, well know American movie star, ex alcoholic and drug addict, convicted of reckless endangerment and illegal use of a gun. He’s recently served 2 years behind bars and is currently tagged and under curfew. Woody is now a scientologist and he says he’s entered the house to find his ‘inner peace’ and to spread some ‘good’ love. 

Ken Carson - The second housemate entering the house is Ken Carson, famous for being ‘Superstar’ Ken back in the sixties. This ex boyfriend of Barbie is now a fifty something ‘player’ who hit the headlines a few years ago after a 6 day marriage to Barbie’s love rival Sindy. This marriage however, ended in scandal when he was caught in a compromising situation with the bell boy and a small llama. Now on his heels, he says he’s entering the house looking to restore some personal pride and to earn enough money to pay for hair plug treatment. 

Well Worn Lady

Barbie Roberts - Next in is Barbie Roberts *enters to a chorus of boos...  now in her early fifties and the former boyfriend of Ken Carson, Barbie found movie stardom early in life with such classics as Barbie Princess and Barbie and Ken –the movie. Following a bad experience with the paparazzi and a series of failed marriages she’s turned to porn to support her ‘horse tranquiliser addiction’ and has been recently seen in such classics as Barbie does Darlington and Barbie - Impossibly Inflexible.  Mother of 14, Barbie hopes to find a new love interest in the house. 

Tiny Tears - Child prodigy Tiny has been a firm favourite of many children growing up. At an early age tiny got her big break in TV as a presenter on TBeebies. Rising quickly to fame she sought treatment for her irritable tear duct and was the first live patient on 'Celebrity Surgery'! Unfortunatley for her, Mr Potato head's first celebrity operation was not a success with him misplacing an arm just minutes before starting. As a result of this incident, Tiny has now not cried for over 10 years and can't even wink. A born again Christian she has taken a vow of celebacy. 

Ladies Man

Action Man - Renowned Falklands veteran and now an established TV star, this ex marine has re-invented himself many times. Now a critically acclaimed survival expert following his exploits in rescuing Prime Minister Slinky Dog from kidnap during the Arabian nights conflict he is a well know household character.  Controversy has surrounded AM though and rumours abound about his involvement in the illegal trafficking of Russian dolls and jelly babies throughout Europe. AM says he is looking forward to his time in the house and to hopefully let people see the caring side of him.  

Sindy (no surname – bit like Sinitta) - 48 year old self proclaimed cougar, Sindy is the next to join the house. Having rose to fame during the 70's she became one of the first true toy 'supermodels' off the back of her infamous relationship with Ken. Following their split and subsequent kiss and tell expose in the News of the World, Sindy moved into glamour modelling and has been responsible for numerous fitness videos. Recently hit the news when one of her 'enhanced assets' developed a leak during a live televised fitness session, leading to the PIP scandal along with a copious amount of sticky gloopeous mess on the studio floor.

Noddy Jetting In

Young Noddy - Having shot to fame in the reality TV show,  'The only way.. is.. to make way for Noddy',  young Noddy has enjoyed a sudden and impressive rise to fame. The son of former TV stars, Noddy Snr and Tessie Bear he was born after an 'on screen' accident during the filming of a love scene for the penultimate episode. Young, handsome and uber cool, we can expect young Noddy to add some spice to proceedings with a flagerent disregard for where and with who he rings his bell!

Simon - Welcome our penultimate housemate Simon, former light and sound game.  Simon was born severely paralysed and is now wheelchair bound and unable to communicate except through sounds and light recognition software. A scientist, astrologer and genius with an IQ of 200, he was the 2007 winner of the Buzz Lightyear Prize for Science. Simon says he’s looking forward to the challenge of being with normal toys and dumbing down for a few weeks.   

   

Great Uncle Bulgaria - Finally joining the other housemates in the house is Great Uncle Bulgaria (GUB), former politician and leader of the Green Party. It's expected that he'll bring a sense calm and dignity to the house along with a propensity to tidy the garden. A champion of the 'common' people he is also a strong advocate of porridge. GUB says his best qualities are his quick feet and fast hands, GUB is a also a keen crossword and suduko expert. 


Camera follows Great Uncle Bulgaria down the stairs to the house... he greets his fellow housemates, grabs a beer and heads for the garden. Meanwhile, over in the corner of the houser, Action man scans the room from his 'eagle eyes' and makes his way towards his first target Sindy, keen to get her in his grippable hands. Meanwhile, over in the kitchen Tiny Tears is making tea for her and Woody. While accross the room, Simon is in full and frank conversation with the Diary Room Door light and Young Noddy is already skinny dipping in the pool ... looks loke it's gonna be a long night in the house!


It's at that point that my eyes slowly open and I stare around my room, all seems normal. The TV is on in the corner but only the test card remains, the lights are dim and all feels as it should be. Kind of relieved but also a touch sad, eyes drifting again... I head back to the house... maybe, just maybe, those magic mushrooms earlier weren't such a good idea !!